my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize