A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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