He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
