Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
