the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
