my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
