Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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