i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
