You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
