Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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