I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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