This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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