Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Randomize
