me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
