I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
