Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
