i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
