he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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