What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
