you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
