i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
