I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
