1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
