just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
