im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
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Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
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It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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