Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
