Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
