You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
