i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
