Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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