turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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