someone owes me an orgasm
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
