I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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