I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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