if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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