My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
