Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Still dying that you shit outside
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
