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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Sorry my hands just texted you
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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