Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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