i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
