turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
