fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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