If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
