I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
