me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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