Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just found puke in my bra..
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Let's get the cat blown out
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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