I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
