when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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