Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
