there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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