You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
