the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
