never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
