I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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