DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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