She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
