I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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