Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
it's like iHOP with fire
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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