I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
either way he was missing a nipple.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
