Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
