dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
